I’m sure you have heard it before, but it is worth saying again. Marriage is hard. In fact, hard is a major understatement. Life happens and sometimes you might find yourself wondering why did I marry my spouse? Or maybe you wonder if you even love them anymore. With the endless stress of daily responsibilities, it is easy to see how you could lose “that loving feeling.” However, I am here to tell you that most couples go through this period at least once in their marriage, if not more. People are constantly changing and relationships have to evolve too. Let me be clear when I say it is worth the effort to make it work. Here are my tips on how to fall in love with your spouse again.
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin
How To Fall In Love With Your Spouse Again
The first step is acceptance. Falling out of love didn’t happen overnight. Sadly, falling back in love won’t happen overnight either. To be honest, you might want to start out small and lower the expectations. If you and your spouse are really having problems in the marriage, instead of starting out big like love, start small. What will it take for you to even like your spouse again?
If you and your spouse need to forgive each other about past wrongs, now is the time to start that process because falling in love or like won’t happen when you are holding on to past grudges. It is inevitable. You will eventually mess up, make a mistake, or hurt your spouse. Apologize and mean it. Real repentance means acknowledging your faults.
Communication Shouldn’t Be Destructive
I know that in my marriage, I have a tendency to get louder when I want to be heard or feel like I am not getting the connection I need. When this happens, my husband tends to pull away because he takes my complaints personal so he pulls away because he doesn’t want to fight, which makes me more upset. This is a personal cycle that we have to consciously work on in our marriage. Our communication skills are completely different, however, that doesn’t mean that one is better or that one is right. We are just different people.
You have to learn what type of communicator your spouse is and learn to be respectful. Communication is essential in making a marriage, or any relationship, work to its full potential. Words have the ability to inspire or discourage, to wound or to heal, to knock down or to build someone up. Be careful how you use them. With this in mind, remember to choose your words carefully.
Remind Yourself Why You Fell In Love
I believe this one is of huge importance. Even if you just don’t see it now, there was a time that you saw something in your spouse that made you fall in love with them and that inspired you to want to go on this life journey with them. Take a stroll down memory lane. Write down why you fell in love with your spouse in the first place and then share it with them. Remind yourself that this is the person that once upon a time you couldn’t wait to marry.
By refocusing on the positive, your inner critical voice will slowly start to go away. If you are looking at your spouse through a critical lens 24/7 it will be impossible to fall back in love with them.
Being thankful is a great way to help you refocus on your relationship. When the stress of daily life overshadows your relationship it can be really difficult to see the positives about your spouse. Make yourself sit down and write down all that you are thankful for when it comes to your spouse. Start small if you need to. Write one thing down a day and then read over your list at the end of the week.
The idea of decluttering goes back to what I mentioned earlier. Relationships can’t move forward if you are carrying around the baggage of past resentments (big or small.) You need to get all this out and in the open. Talk about your regrets or resentments with your spouse and don’t be afraid to seek outside help if you need help with mediation. The potential to really move your relationship forward is unbelievable when you learn to let go and start fresh with your spouse.
Affection and Attentiveness
So many people forget about the importance of showing affection or they have a misconception that it has to be this large grandiose display. However, it truly is the little things that matter. Little moments of physical touch throughout the day can go a long way in rekindling the flame. Don’t pull away from each other in the hallway. Reach out and grab his hand or kiss her on the cheek. Just stop pulling away.
You should remember that affection should be both physical and verbal. In fact, you will see the best results when they are used together. There is nothing worse than feeling ignored or like you have been taken for granted. Make a point to slow down. This world is so hectic and fast-paced that you need to remember to slow down and show appreciation for your spouse. My husband and I have a rule that after the kids go to bed, for at least the first 15 minutes (if not longer) we do not discuss “business,” meaning no work-talk or kid-talk. Focus on each other.
Try New Things
Put some excitement back into your relationship. Find a new hobby or experience that you can do together. Learning something new together is a great way to reconnect.
I am not naive. I know how hard it can be to get away when you have kids. However, whenever you get the chance for some one-on-one time take it. It doesn’t matter if it is for 2 hours or 2 days, whatever time you get can be beneficial.
Stop Playing The Blame Game
Let’s be honest. Resentment is a way of life when you have been with someone for a long time. However, you have to find a way to let it go. If you really want to make your marriage work you have to let the blame game go and move forward.
Element Of Surprise
It can be extremely easy to fall into a comfortable routine, especially if you have been together for a long time or have kids. This mundane, repetitive day-to-day life can take a toll on relationships. Spontaneity is usually a big part of dating so find a way to bring it back into your relationship. Leave little love notes around the house or pick up some flowers on your way home from work. Be creative.
Reconnect With Yourself
I know that when I think back to the beginning of my relationship with my husband, I also miss the person I was and I want to be that person that my husband fell in love with because I loved that person too. So maybe you need to focus on loving yourself again too.
I know that there isn’t a magical fix-all when it comes to relationships. People are all different so it will take time to find what works in your relationship. However, it is so important to try because you don’t want to have regrets when it comes to your spouse, especially if children are involved. I hope these tips on how to fall in love with your spouse again has inspired you and your spouse to really put time and energy into your relationship. You are BOTH worth it.
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31