The loss of anyone you know or love is a difficult process, but it can be truly indescribable when it is a parent that you have lost. Grief is a tricky emotion and it can disguise itself as many different types of emotions. Here are tips for Dealing with Grief After the Loss of a Parent.
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To My Daddy
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I’m going to be brutally honest with you, I didn’t want to write this post and not just because the loss of my Dad is still so fresh, but because I feel like I couldn’t possibly give advice to others who have lost a parent. I mean, what do I know? I am pretty sure I am failing miserably at dealing with the grief from losing my Dad. However, I saw something today on Instagram and it really struck me. It said, “One day you will tell your story of how you’ve overcome what you’re going through now, and it will become someone else’s survival guide.” So maybe I am failing at this, but I am going to share with you what I am trying to do so slowly, day by day, I can learn to be in this life without my Daddy.
“It’s so curious: one can resist tears and ‘behave’ very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer… and everything collapses. ” -Colette
Loss of a Parent: Tips for Dealing with Grief After the Loss of a Parent
I lost my Daddy on June 20, 2019. It wasn’t expected. I got a phone call a little after 1:00 am from my Granny, but I didn’t answer. I heard the phone, saw her name on the screen, but I just couldn’t answer. So I let it go straight to voicemail. I knew. I just knew. So I laid there for what felt like 5 or 10 minutes, but it was probably only 2 or 3 minutes. Then my Mom called. I answered. My mom told me later that I didn’t even say “hi,” I only responded with “no. no. no.” The reason that I didn’t answer Granny’s phone call was because I just wanted to be in a world where my Daddy was still alive for just a few more minutes.
My life and my sons lives forever changed on June 20, 2019. I’m not even going to begin to “tell” you how to grieve the loss of a parent. However, I am going to tell you what I have learned and the advice that has been given to me.
“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” -C.S. Lewis
Don’t Expect to be Ready for This
You pretty much know that you are going to have to deal with the loss of a parent in your life. It’s almost expected as being the “natural order” of life. However, I think we need to be very careful with this concept and how we are putting this thought out there for people, especially the ones that are currently going through this. I think Edward Myers says it best in his book When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults. In his book, he states, “Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement in this country. Yet the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.”
Even though this might be the “way of life,” and it might be expected that doesn’t mean that you will in any way be “ready” for it. And, frankly, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Feel what you feel.
If you are like me, you are going to be all over the place with your emotions. I feel angry, sad, confused, lost, and more all in the span of one day, sometimes one minute. I feel angry that my Dad was still young and angry that he is going to miss out on seeing his grandsons grow up.
However, whatever it is, allow yourself to feel it. Never allow anyone to belittle your feelings or your loss. Never allow anyone to try to rush your grief or make you feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
It’s going to take time.
This one I am not personally at yet. I have been told by numerous people that it “takes time.” However, I will be honest, it isn’t always comforting to hear. I mean no offense to the people that say it because they are truly trying to help, but right now, at this moment, I just want my Daddy. And the idea that 5-15 years from now that will someone lessen or change doesn’t seem plausible.
Prepare to be exhausted in EVERY way.
Grief will drain you in every way possible. You will feel your grief physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Trust me, I have had many conversations with God over the last 3 weeks. Take that extra nap, if you can. Order groceries to be delivered. Stay in your pajamas. Whatever helps you get through your day. No matter what, remember to be kind to yourself. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
Don’t expect everyone to be there for you.
This one was hard (still is) for me to stomach. People get caught up in their own lives, and I have been guilty of this too. However, keep in mind that they might be grieving too and one of the ways they cope is by backing away. But the truth is a lot of the people that were there for you (other than close friends and family) at the funeral or even a week or so after will start to fade away. And it can be so heartbreaking and make you feel very alone. Sadly enough even some family members won’t be there for you and it has been hard for me to decipher whether it is because they are caught up in their own grief and depression or if they really never truly cared for me in the first place.
Don’t be surprised at how fast others have “seemed” to move on.
This one goes hand in hand with what I just said above. It can seem like everywhere you look (social media can be evil when it comes to this) people are moving on. People that called your loved one family and a dear friend. The truth is maybe they have or maybe they haven’t. You can’t go by what others are doing or how others are coping. That doesn’t mean your loved one was any less special or loved.
Grief doesn’t go away.
I know this fact isn’t very comforting. But grief comes and goes. Then it comes again with a vengeance. I am still in the thick of it. I’ll let you know if I ever get to the other side where it goes away for a time.
Find what keeps you motivated.
You have to find what keeps you motivated, what keeps you going. My kids and focusing on their day to day needs is what keeps me from curling up into a little ball most days. Do what you need to do to survive.
Sometimes you have to force yourself to reach out.
I am still struggling with this one, but sometimes you have to force yourself to reach out. Seek out support from others who’ve been there, a friend who cares, or a professional if you are really struggling with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts. Never be afraid to ask for help. It isn’t a sign of weakness, but a true sign of strength.
“Grief SUCKS!!” -Says Everyone Ever
In closing, I hope you have found these tips for dealing with grief after the loss of a parent helpful. However, I know these aren’t magical fix-alls. Love yourself and allow yourself time (and space) to heal.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
Hugs Lana as you go through this very hard journey of grief!!! Thinking of you and your family
Thank you so much! It is definitely a new “normal” 🙁
Thank you for this. I lost my daddy about 5 weeks ago. I too feel like I’m failing miserably at grieving. Life still goes on but I feel like I’m stuck. I don’t know how to live without him. I think I get the most sad when I think about my boys and how they’ll never really get to know their Pop Pop and how incredible he was. My almost 3 year old tells me his misses Pop Pop and that he’s with Jesus daily. It breaks my heart every time.
Just know you’re not alone. Hugs <3
I am so sorry for your loss. There really are no words. My 3 year old tells me each day that he doesn’t want me to go to heaven. It breaks my heart. Both my boys miss their PaPaw terribly.
Hugs, my friend. One day at a time.
October 12, 2019 @ 2245. My Dad opened his eyes for the last time, looked lovingly into my Mom’s eyes, smiled and let out his last breath.
How do we help our other parent heal?
How do I keep it together?
I am a fixer, and I can’t fix this.
I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortuneatly, I don’t have answers for that. I am still watching my mom suffer. It has only been 5 months for us. October was his birthday and Thanksgiving was last month…it is a bunch of “firsts” without him that we are trying to figure out how to go on with. I, honestly, don’t think there really is a magical to-do. I think we make it day by day…sometimes second to second. I pray for you and your family. I am also a fixer so I get that feeling. Prayers, my friend.
What a coincidence,my dad passed on 11th of Oct,2022,it’s been a week already and I feel like I’m just learning so many aspects about life all at the same time,and it’s so overwhelming, I’m really trying,it’s just so hard and painful,I can keep on describing it,it’s just that I don’t have the words,
All in all,I hope I manage to cope with it,
I’m glad that I’m not alone. My dad passed away unexpectedly in April right after Easter. He was my best friend and my other half. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him, but I’ve been doing it somehow. Christmas Eve was his holiday and the thought brings me joy and terror at the same time. Thank you for sharing your experience as unfortunately I know how you feel.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is definitely not easy. In fact, I just broke down today over a song I heard on the radio. The holidays have/will be difficult this year. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
I lost my dad in a very similar way and it’s still really hard!! There are days when I’m good but the holidays are the most challenging, even though this will be our 3rd Christmas without him.. my heart breaks for my grandma and my kids..
This is our first Christmas without him and it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. At times, I don’t even want to celebrate, but my two little boys deserve a good Christmas. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment. It reminds me that I am not alone.
It’s been 4 years since my mom passed away, and I cry almost everyday. I miss her sooooo much. It still raw to me. Life has been very tough since she passed and in those rough times is when I need her most. And I do get that fear feeling that she’s not here my sense of security is gone. It’s like when a toddler gives up there blanking that they pack around with them everywhere, if you know what I mean. Or they give up there soother, sense of security is gone, that’s what it is for me.
Lana so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad very young to a car accident, and he missed out n so many things in my life, my mom was a rock for us kids through this time, and now I have lost her to. So very hard not having the other parent to help get through moms passing. I feel for you very much.
So sorry for your loss I lost my mum 2 years ago and still the grief is there. I feel like I am failing her and not making her proud. I have been taking my bad days out on my family and feeling like I am losing the ones who mean the most. I feel all alone with no one to talk to cause I always talked to her when I felt low and now I just wished she would hug me and tell me everything is ok x
I am so sorry, Clare. I have been there and somedays I am still there. I wish I had some magical words to take all your pain away. One day at a time and know that your mother is watching over you and she doesn’t think you are failing. You are just grieving.
All I can say is thank you Lana. Truly thank you.
You are so welcome. I am glad you found something special from this post. Losing my Daddy was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. Prayers and thoughts to you, my friend.
My Daddy passed July 5th and I miss him so so much. My Mom, sister and I are still struggling. The pain is so raw at times. Please lift us up in prayer for the days ahead. The Holidays are the worst.
Of course. Prayers being sent. Holidays are the worst. This will be my second Christmas without my Daddy and it isn’t any easier. Prayers and Christmas blessings. Stay safe.
Hi Lana,
I read this beautiful but oh so sad story about your Dad. I’m so sorry. And all the other people who have lost loved ones.
I’m trying to find words of comfort to send to a beautiful young woman whose Mom took her life in a shocking way on the 29th December 2020. I can only imagine how terribly painful it is and what she must be going through. It’s very difficult to know what to say.
Thank you for this article. I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago and it’s been really hard for me to go through my grief. Thank you for putting it into words. It was exactly what I need. I am also sorry for the loss of your dad. My friend said big love equals big loss. The more we love someone the bigger the loss that we feel. I’m nervous about my first birthday without her but I know she wants me to keep going especially for my dad. Thank you, Lana, for helping me through this difficult time. Sending hugs your way!!
Dear Lana,
Thank you so much for this article. I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago and I have a hard thing processing how I’m feeling and going through the grief. Your article really helped me understand it and gave me a relief that I needed. I am so sorry that you lost your Dad. Your article makes grieving something to not skip over but something to understand and go through. To be honest, I’m nervous about the first upcoming birthday of mine without her. She was always the one to call me first. I wish you all the love and strength in the world, and I’m sending you a great big hug. Thanks again, Lana!!