Dealing with mom guilt is not a joke. I believe mom guilt is something that new moms and “pro” moms deal with. Personally, I have been dealing with a lot of mom guilt recently. I turned to research. While researching, I realized I am not alone. I felt the need to share what I learned, and what personally helps me, to help out my fellow Mamas.
“No more martyring myself.” -Sharon E. Rainey
“Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.”-Nathaniel Branden
“Self-care is how you take your power back.” -Lalah Delia
Dealing With Mom Guilt- 7 Tips to Ease the Burden
1. Evaluate what you are doing.
Take a step back and decide if what you are doing is, for lack of a better word, wrong? This can be tricky because we all have different ideas of what is “wrong.” Did you stay on the phone longer than normal, when your little one was begging for your love? Did you choose to watch the last 15 minutes of a TV show because you needed a break, instead of sitting with your oldest while he ate a snack and talked about his day?
All those things can make the mom guilt rear its ugly head, but is this something you do all the time? That is what I try to remind myself. I’m usually never on my phone and I never get to finish that TV show that I started before naptime, so if I need a day to vent on the phone or find out who got the final rose then it is ok to choose myself first from time to time.
The analogy that I have heard used very often is the oxygen masks on a plane. If you don’t take your mask first, you won’t be conscious to help your children or the people sitting next to you. Self-care is very important for moms. You can read my post about self-care tips for moms here.
2. Create space between people that cause you to feel mom guilt.
Are there certain people that tend to stir up the mom guilt in you? Personal boundaries are very important to your mental health. I had to deal with this head-on last year. When my anxiety and panic attacks became so bad I had to realize that some people are not good for me to be around.
If these “trigger people” happen to be family members it can be more difficult. You might not have the choice to completely cut these people out of your life. If you are around someone that makes a snarky remark, then just leave the room and allow yourself time to calm down. This is so much better than throwing a glass of water in their face. Just saying.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
– Jack Kornfield
3. Connect with your children.
I read a really great article that pinpointed where a lot of mom guilt can stem from. You can read that article here. Basically, if you don’t feel like you are connected to your children it can make you feel like a bad mom, creating a cycle of mom guilt. The mom who wrote this article shared her 4 ways to reconnect:
- Connect with statements, not questions.
- Put the phone down.
- Have regular individual time
- Make time for yourself too.
Which leads me to my next tip.
4. Take a day and spend fun, quality time with your children.
Do something different. Adults don’t like being stuck in a rut, and neither do children. Take a day and switch it up. If you are a stay at home mom and you usually just stay at home all day, then do something else. Go to the park, the movies, the arcade, take a day trip to a museum, etc… This will feel like a treat to your children and it will be good quality time that can help you reconnect with your kids.
5. Schedule your time.
This one is huge for me and a really big help when it comes to dealing with mom guilt. It is so important to get your schedule/calendar running like clockwork. I schedule everything, even the little things. It helps me feel more productive. For example, my son and I started playing a game together on the Wii. I schedule 30 minutes a day to play with him on this game. He is so excited to get that one on one time with me and loves that we have almost beat the game. He can’t believe his mama is a “gamer.” Hahaha. At least he thinks I am cool, right?
6. Resolve to let things go and don’t get caught up in “what ifs.”
I have chosen to pick my battles. I don’t always fix my son’s hair before school, sometimes he wears mismatched socks, and sometimes I don’t brush his teeth in the morning (oh, the horror, I know!) However, I can’t get caught up in this. I can’t look at this as failures or the guilt will eat me alive. While I might choose to have him look “perfect” each day for school or have a house that is always ready for guests to stop by at any moment, the reality is I can’t do it all.
Don’t get caught up in the “what ifs.” Working moms and stay at home moms will all experience mom guilt. If you are a working mom you might feel guilty for not being home enough or missing out on some activities. If you are a stay at home mom you might feel guilty for not bringing in a paycheck that could help you buy those shoes that “Johnny” needs for basketball this season.
7. Realize this won’t last forever.
Life changes quickly. I know it might sound funny and maybe you have heard it a million times, but you will miss these days. Dealing with mom guilt might be something that you have to learn to handle, but it is so worth every crazy tear-filled, sleepless night that you might spend worrying about your children. To be completely honest, the fact that you worry about messing up your children or if you are being the best mom shows that you are a great mom. In conclusion, basically, try to enjoy every crazy, exhausting, stressful, funny, sticky moment that life as a mom brings.
Dealing with mom guilt can feel very overwhelming, but you can learn to work through it. Take time to find what works for you. Keep in mind that what works for other moms might not work for you, but don’t give up. You deserve a peace of mind and comfort in knowing that you are a good mom, with some tough days, but you are doing your best and those little ones (and big ones) love you very much.
“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
I love this. All of it. All of it wonderful. All of it true. Yes!! Yes to every word!
I am so glad you enjoyed it!!
This post really strikes a cord. Good piece of writing.
Thank you! That is really kind. 🙂
Most of it is relatable. Good piece of writing.
Thank you!
I really enjoyed this! I totally have mom guilt and its hard, but this helps a lot. Great Ideas, Thanks
Thank you! Yes, it is something I deal with a lot! I am so glad you enjoyed this! 🙂
Love all your tips to ease the mom guilt. I recently read that guilt can turn into shame if we don’t dismiss it off. As mothers we always carry mom-guilt with us. Time to re-assure ourselves get out of this guilt trap!
I can totally see how guilt could easily turn to shame. Thanks for taking time to comment. Have a great night!
This was so wonderful to read – such a great reminder!!! We must take care of ourselves first….but…..taking time to do those things with our kids, like a whole day together with them, is so important too. Thanks!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I am so glad you enjoyed this. It really can be a tough balancing act. I hope you have a great evening!
Scheduling your time is my favorite strategy. It makes my days go a lot smoother and like you, I feel more productive too.
You give some great advice in this post! I have grown children and I would love to tell you that it gets better. I does get different but better is not a word I would use. I will say that if a mom uses your tips, the transition would be easier than mine was. This post will help lots of moms out there!
Thanks for participating in #KCACOLS!
Thank you for your kind words! ❤️
I think we are all guilty of this and I really love these suggestions to help ease those feelings of guilt.
Thank you!!
#KCACOLS
This is so relatable and true. I just recently got rid of my mommy guilt. I’m a much better mom when I can take care of myself, too!
Yes! So true!
Yes to all of these. Even in the tough times realize it is only a season. If we can just all give ourselves a break!
Yes. So very true! Thank you!
The what if’s are particularly unhelpful. And it does pass, one way or another. #kalcols
Such a wonderful post, Lana! We all need these reminders to be present for our kinder. xoxo #kcacols
A big YES to all of this! #6 is so spot on! It’s pointless to beat yourself up over what-ifs.
#kcacols
Agreed!!
Great post Lana! Scheduling my time (to a certain extent, while still allowing flexibility) is something I’m very much working on right now. And the ‘trigger people’ thing, that’s a tough one… Thanks so much for sharing what you’ve learnt xx #KCACOLS
I am so glad you enjoyed this. I am still learning day by day. It is not easy but the best job I have ever had!! <3
I had such trouble with mum guilt over everything in the beginning. It was so difficult trying to be the “perfect” mum and then reconciling myself mentally to the fact that such a thing didn’t exist and I was doing just fine. I think all pregnant women should talk and read about guilt so they know how to handle it – thanks for writing about it! #KCACOLS
I agree. I think it is so important to be aware of or it can turn really ugly.
These are great tips!
Thank you!!
Mom guilt sucks! Great post
Yes it does. Thank you!
So true mom guilt is super real! This was a great read and a good reminder we are all human and just trying to do our very best!
Great article! Thank you so much for this.
So glad that you enjoyed this 🙂
Amazing..even though my children are adults I still get mom guilt when something goes wrong in their life..maybe its is mom empathy ♥️
I am sure I will be the same way, no matter how old my children get.